Life is full of transitions and times of change, and this is especially true for teens and their parents. Whether it's the leap from middle school to high school or the freedom of a new driver's license, these moments can shake up routines and emotions for everyone in the family. In an episode of our podcast, Focus Forward, I sat down with Rachel Hulstein-Lowe, a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker in the Boston area, to talk about the kinds of transitions families experience and how we can support both our teens and ourselves during these times. Rachel shared her tips for parents, which she has learned in over 20 years as a therapist for kids, teens, and their parents. We talked about how parents of teens can connect with their kids, create routines and traditions, and validate their children’s feelings to improve their experiences during transition times.
Supporting Teens in the Transition from Middle School to High School
One transition that can be particularly challenging for teens—and their parents—is the move from middle school to high school. It’s a major shift: new academic expectations, unfamiliar social dynamics, and a growing sense of independence. Rachel notes that this transition can stir up anxiety, excitement, or even resistance. Parents can help by validating the mix of feelings teens often experience during this time.
Consider starting with a simple acknowledgment like, “This is a big change, and it’s okay to feel nervous or unsure.” Encourage your teen to share their hopes or worries about high school. You might ask, “What are you most looking forward to?” or “Is there anything you’re worried about?” These conversations—especially when held during low-pressure moments, like in the car or during a walk—can help teens feel heard and supported. I use this strategy when I’m talking with my kids about potentially tricky subjects. We often talk in the car because we don’t have to look at each other, and if I need to pause and think before I respond, it’s not awkward for there to be a break in the conversation because that’s a normal thing to do while driving and talking.
It’s also helpful to consider practical support: help them set up a homework space, talk through their new schedule together, and work on routines that encourage time management and organization. These executive function skills become increasingly important in high school, and scaffolding them gradually can ease the stress of such a big transition. It’s unrealistic of us to expect that they will automatically be successful at these new skills without practice, so supporting them while gradually releasing that support is an effective way of building independence and autonomy. As we know, building strong executive function skills in children leads to lifelong positive outcomes, so this effort is worth it now and in the long run.
Making Connection with Our Kids
Rachel says one of the most effective actions we can take to support our kids through transitions is to connect with them and validate their feelings. It can be hard to know if we’re getting through, especially when we’re both feeling overwhelmed. Everyone, including teens, needs and wants to be heard and validated. This is a really important aspect of raising children that is worth your time and attention. I have been putting a conscious effort into connecting with my teens, and I really do think it makes a difference.
Rachel suggests two simple approaches to this. First, focus on how you’re initiating conversations. Instead of the classic “How was your day?” (which usually gets you a one-word answer), try something different or unexpected. I like to ask, “Did anything weird happen at school today?” And just as I mentioned before, it’s helpful to pay attention to where you’re starting these conversations. Low-pressure environments where you don’t need to make eye contact can take the edge off and help kids open up. Also, keep in my when you're trying to connect with your kiddos. They might need some downtime after arriving home from a long day at school.
And, remember that to connect with our kids, you don’t even need to say anything. Just being present—physically near them—can be enough to show that you’re there and available. Next time you have a few minutes, plop down with them on the couch with your book or device, don’t say a word, and just enjoy each other’s presence and warmth.
Validation is Key
Let’s explore a little more deeply how, as humans, we all want to be seen, heard, and validated. I hope you’ve gotten to experience that good feeling of “Wow, this person really gets me,” or “I’m not weird for feeling this way!” Our children need this just as much as we do. Rachel explains that when kids don’t feel seen, they might act out—what looks to us like “dysregulation, protest, and resistance” might actually be a plea: “Could you please see me?”
Even if we can’t fully understand their experience, we can relate to the feelings behind it. You might say, “I’ve never gone through what you’re going through, but I know what it’s like to feel anxious or overwhelmed.” Rachel says that when we start from that shared emotional ground, we help our children regulate, and once that happens, they may be more open to deeper conversations. You might ask, “What do you want to do next? Is there something I can do to help? Or did you just need to share this?” I like the question, “Do you want to be heard, hugged, or helped?”
Sometimes, especially as our kids get older, our job is to just be there—to sit in the discomfort with them and let them know we’ve got their backs. As Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg says, “Teens are the experts of their own lives”, so we may not know exactly what to do or what will help, but we can let them know that we’re here and are ready to support them however and whenever they need. Rachel agrees and shared, "Our role more and more is to take more of a backseat and allow them to try things and probably not always do it correctly. But to say 'I got your back here, no matter what. And, you can go out and try those things and come back and tell me about them. And try again.'"
Maintaining Routines Around Sleep and Nutrition
Rachel also emphasizes that connection alone isn’t enough, and paying attention to routines around sleep and nutrition plays a critical role in helping kids through transitions.
Importance of Sleep
When we aren’t well-rested, our executive function skills take a serious hit. Memory, focus, emotional regulation, and decision-making all suffer. Transitions become that much harder to handle. Sleep can make everything feel easier, and creating and sticking to a regular bedtime can help. You might look into amber-lensed glasses, as suggested by sleep specialist and Focus Forward podcast guest Marley Boyle. These glasses trick our brains into thinking it’s bedtime, which can help us feel sleepy. Adding these glasses to a calming evening routine with no screens, a wind-down activity, and a consistent lights-out time can make a big difference. Bedtime can also be a great time for connection. The darkness and fewer distractions can make kids feel more comfortable opening up. I’ve heard many parents say that their normally reserved child will become chatty at bedtime.
Rachel shared, “The more we can support that [sleep] routine, the more we’re going to see a better-regulated and more ready kid for the day.” If sleep is a struggle, reach out to your doctor or a sleep specialist.
Making Mealtime Meaningful
Meals are also an opportunity to make transitions easier. At the most basic level, eating well is important for health and provides the nourishment we need to handle tough times. Meals can also offer a chance for you to connect with your child one-on-one or get together as a family. Eating together has been demonstrated in research to improve outcomes in a variety of areas, including mental health, academics, self-esteem, communication skills, and many more. The data shows that the most benefit to children comes from participating in three or more family meals each week. And Rachel explains that the word “meals” does not need to mean a full, home-cooked dinner. It can be breakfast, lunch, a bedtime snack, or just standing around in the kitchen eating slices of pizza. As long as there are opportunities to gather around food, the family will benefit from it. Rachel says: “It reinforces the family as a team. And we need each other. We need each other so, so much.”
Finding Support Through Transitions
Navigating transitions, big or small, can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re trying to support your teen while managing your own emotions. The good news is, you don’t have to do it alone. At Beyond BookSmart, our executive function coaches are here to be your partner through these challenging times.
Whether your child is moving into high school, struggling with new responsibilities, or simply adjusting to a new routine, our coaches provide personalized support to help them (and you!) build the skills needed for long-term success. From time management and organization to emotional regulation and communication, we help teens and their families thrive through change.
Learn more about how executive function coaching can support your teen and bring more peace to your parenting journey at Beyond BookSmart.