We often turn to adult experts for advice on how to handle conflict with teens, but what if we turned to the true experts instead: teens themselves? As Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg taught us in Episode 62 of Focus Forward, teens are the experts of their own lives. Taking his advice and inspiration from Ellen Galinsky's book on teens and adolescents, The Breakthrough Years, I sat down with three high school students, Eliza (16), Mark (16), and Sam (17), on Focus Forward to hear directly from them about what it’s like to navigate conflict with adults. What they shared was thoughtful, emotionally intelligent, and deeply honest, offering insights most adults could learn from. Turns out, the real experts were sitting across the table from me all along.
As someone who works with adults, parents, and students on building Executive Function skills, I often talk about emotional regulation, flexible thinking, and metacognition. In our conversation, I kept hearing how those skills show up in real-life family dynamics, and it was a powerful reminder that this work we do on our Executive Function skills is truly important and real. It’s happening every day, in homes and classrooms, often in the heat of the moment when emotions are high and communication breaks down. As I’ve written about before, Executive Function skills help us in more than just academics, and this conversation is proof of that. And, as our teens mature, their brains do, too! Teen years are a wonderful time to continue strengthening these skills.
And full disclosure: one of the teens is my daughter, Eliza, which made this conversation not just fascinating, but personal. Eliza, Mark, and Sam are all members of a youth orchestra, and they attend the same high school. My choice of guests was intentional because they know each other. I knew the topic could potentially be a difficult one to talk about, and maybe if they knew each other, they’d feel more comfortable sharing. And if you listened to the episode, you’ll know that they did!
For those who don’t have the chance to listen (or you’re just not a podcast person), I wanted to share in this blog post three lessons about conflict between teens and adults that I took away from that conversation. I hope you learn from these teens, too!
1. Trust is the Foundation of Communication with Teens
If there was one theme that came up over and over again, it was trust between teens and adults. These teens shared how crucial it is to feel like they can be honest without facing punishment or judgment.
Sam talked about how being upfront with his parents after a long stretch of bottling things up completely changed how conflicts played out for him. Mark shared that for him, a safe space means knowing that “there won’t be consequences with the truth.” He described the difference between a parent reacting with calm understanding versus immediate anger, and how that difference shapes whether teens want to open up again.
"I think to create that open dialog, there should be a place where you feel completely unjudged for your actions, no matter how bad they could be... in the moment when you're confessing or being honest, that should become judgment free zone, just a moment where they can open up, let it all out on the table..."
Eliza reflected on how easy it is for teens to assume adults will be judgmental, which makes it harder to share honestly. She said, “Teens are told a lot that their feelings are wrong. But feelings aren’t wrong. They’re just feelings.” I couldn’t agree more, and I was so proud to hear her say that.
Creating a judgment-free zone where teens know they can speak their minds without being shut down isn’t just helpful, it’s essential. Because without trust, there’s no communication. And without communication, conflict just keeps repeating, and it ultimately could lead to the adult-teen relationship falling apart or to the teen ending up in a dangerous situation because they can’t talk about what happened. This is how we coaches approach the relationships we build with our teen Executive Function coaching clients. Without trust, it's hard to make progress!
2. Recognize Teens as Capable, Independent Individuals
These three teens made it clear: they’re doing a lot. And they want to be seen for what they’re managing—not just where they fall short. As adults, it’s easy to overlook the effort teens put into balancing school, activities, friendships, and responsibilities. But their version of success might look different from ours, and recognizing that is part of respecting them as their own person.
Mark talked about the pressure of balancing school, extracurriculars, social life, and responsibilities at home. He said that when parents micromanage or restrict freedoms, it can feel like a punishment for something that’s actually a strength: his ability to handle so much. He said, “Let teenagers be until there’s a reason not to. We’re self-sufficient.” Stepping back as a parent can feel impossible (it does for me!), but as these teens (and plenty of research) show, giving kids autonomy, the chance to make their own choices, leads to stronger relationships and better life outcomes.
Sam shared how he wanted more freedom in choosing when he would go to bed. He asked his parents to trust him and give him the chance to show them he could handle it. They said yes, and he did, consistently showing that he could maintain good grades and keep up with his music practice, which earned him the choice of when he went to bed. And Eliza pointed out that parents often zero in on grades or physical health, while overlooking how important social connection, emotional well-being, and mental health are for teens’ development. They’re asking us to look at the whole picture.
When we only focus on what we think is important, we miss what they’re already doing well. Giving teens space to make decisions (and mistakes!) is how they build confidence and resilience. That can feel really hard as a parent, but as Sam’s story shows, when we step back just enough, we give our kids the opportunity to step up. Just to be clear, I’m absolutely NOT saying we should just let our kids run wild. I believe that balancing structure with many chances to be autonomous and using our observations of their behavior in all areas, not just the areas that are important to us, is critical for those positive outcomes. As Executive Function coaches, we approach coaching sessions in the same way—structure for growth and letting clients lead to help them find motivation and confidence.
If you’re curious to learn more about autonomy-supported parenting, check out Emily Edlynn’s book and Wendy Grolnick and her colleagues’ research on structure and autonomy.
3. Communicate Openly and Proactively
It meant a lot to me to hear Eliza talk about how our family holds a weekly Sunday meeting to plan the upcoming seven days' schedule. We all share what’s on our plates and make sure nothing overlaps or gets missed. We figure out who needs access to a car when and what meals we will make. She mentioned how this regular check-in helps prevent last-minute stress and misunderstandings. I explain this family meeting in more detail in another Beyond BookSmart blog post about helping teens learn to manage time.
This is such a great example of how communication doesn’t have to just happen during conflict. It’s better when it doesn’t, because it sets expectations when people are feeling regulated and able to discuss the issue at hand. As we know, when we’re dysregulated, it’s much harder to access our Executive Function skills.
Sam, Mark, and Eliza all emphasized how much they appreciate being talked to respectfully and not being lectured or dismissed. They want open conversations, not commands from above. And they want adults to recognize that their teen experience is happening in a totally different world than the one we grew up in. There’s a lot to remember, as parents!
One More Thought
Here’s something that has stuck with me long after we stopped recording: Teens don’t want to be treated like problems to be solved. As Eliza said, “There's the idea that teenagers are just these menaces to society, but in reality, I don't think that's the case at all. I think teenagers are just people who have been given more freedom, and they're just trying to figure out how to be the best person they can be.” When we change our viewpoints on teens, it can help us understand that they want to be seen as people, flawed, growing, and doing their best. They’re learning how to communicate, how to self-regulate, and how to manage expectations and independence. And, these are all the things we’re still working on as adults, too.
So next time a conflict pops up with our children (and it will), maybe we can try to take a breath, ask a question instead of making an assumption, and remember: this is someone who’s trying. Just like we are.
When we truly listen to our teens, we can build stronger, more respectful relationships. And maybe even avoid a few conflicts along the way. Learn more about how our Executive Function coaches can be a fantastic addition to your teen's support network to help them develop stronger Executive Function skills!
